Scientists in Terror - Investigating "End of Days"

The bizarre, unexplained emergence of the Stool Compressors as a dominant and consistent winning team in the Iceball lig has scientists around the globe scrambling for diapers and space inside bunkers.

Centuries ago, Mayan astronomers formulated their latest calendar and it ends in 2012. Although brushed aside as trivial silliness, this matter has become the subject of a new blockbuster film, conclusively proving that the end of the world is just around the corner.

However, the current situation with the Stoolies has scientists grappling with the probability that the world will, in fact, end before the completion of the football season. The justification for the spreading panic is clear to those who have studied Egyptology.

Discovered in the early 1900s, ancient hieroglyphics foretold of the end of days. The days would be preceded by years of conflict. The moment when time stops and all matter as we know it disintegrates would be triggered by, "the absurdly improbable culmination of a fantasy football season by a douchebag who, hereto for, always loses and continuously changes logos featuring a semi-flaming has-been."

Besides the obvious implications of the ancient's astoundingly accurate prediction of fantasy football competition, it is an amazing re-discovered finding that has shaken the intractable calm of modern doomsday conspiracy theorists around the globe. There's no telling what impact this issue will have on society, but 24-hour protection has been asked for by Stool Compressor owner, Timmy Pickleslipper. The instantly rejected request leaves him vulnerable to assassination by crazy people who want the world to last a couple years longer.

Roddy White blown by Dime Bags owner. Wow!

Stool Compressor Logo Change

Yes, the annual change of team logos hits yet another rock of stupid on the bumpy raft ride down the rapids of Idiot River.

Wisely judging that the cause for their first week loss was bad karma due to the maintenance of the Pugnacious Pussies logo, team owner Tim Drippydink immediately spun his crack marketing team onto the task of finding a more appropriate logo for the Smegma-Gargling Stool Compressors. And whereas marketing people are typically on crack, Drippy's squad completed the task with aplomb (Don, that means they completed the job with determination and perseverance).

"I'm very pleased with the new logo," said Drip. "I was told that it was taken from a scrapbook compiled by Mr. John Aimer. He was a passionate fan."

'Fan of who or what,' you might ask? Without further ado, the Stoolies logo for at least the next couple weeks:

New team logo - click here. 

Oh my, you can practically hear the lilting *ding!* of another match for Charles Nelson Reilly, can't you?! No stranger to the tang of noodle-juice, it's hard (what?!?!) to imagine a more appropriate logo without, of course, inserting photos of most of the owners of teams in this league.

So there you have it, sports fans! Now that the gods have been appeased, look for rest of the season to turn around for the Compressors. Instead of remaining competitive, expect a series of horrific blowouts and a drop to the basement... again.

2009 Preview: Token Chicks

Recent History:
2008: 7-9 (5th)
2007: 5-10 (12th)
2006: 9-7 (3rd)

"Why is it you brainless, sausage-dangling jackasses think that you're superior to girls when it comes to football?!" exploded TC owner Karen Ballstomper, on her way to running a blue streak that would curdle a truck driver's oatmeal.

"Last year, I kicked almost ALL your stupid asses! Look at Rupert, I RULED that piece of shit! John Amer is a stone cold pussy, too. And Burnips - he isn't even fit to mop up after a good douching much less draft and run a fantasy football team!

"Don't get me started on Dan and his f***ing penny-loafer, f*g ensembles. I swear I saw him sucking c**k in an alley in Allentown just for fun. Trash-talking condom milker is what he is - and tell that mary that if he makes another comment about my erect nipples I'm gonna snap off his arm and fist-f**k his a** with it!

"Which reminds me of brother Don. Jes*s f**king Chr*st, Brandy has a bigger d*ck than Don!

"Oh yeah, that twisted sh*thole Lefleffle won't stop e-mailing me close-up pictures of sphincters. What the f**k is that?!? Why the f**k would anyone get anything out of that? If you want to worship ass, fine - just don't share that glory-hole sh*t with me! How that f**king turd won the league last year is totally beyond my comprehension.

"And by the way, I've seen Patrick's little dipper, and I can tell you with 100% confidence that if you guys are impressed, you must all be hung like a dwarf flea! My husband can drive nails with his love dagger. You losers are PATHETIC!

"I have no idea why I slum with these a**holes every year. Such a total waste of time and energy."

All that just because the conversation was started with an innocent offer of a fist-full of Midol. What a bitch! Can you imagine what she'd say if we told her that her husband already told us he always uses a strap-on?! Yikes...

Token Chicks 2009 Summary
- by CDP
If prediction application run during non-menstrual phase, results would be different.
Season Record: 13-0

2009 Preview: Stool Compressors

Recent History:
2008: 8-8 (5th)
2007: 5-10 (11th)
2006: 7-8 (9th)

Purely spectacular draft strategy. Like every year.

Hmmm... could there have been some bad data fed into the CDP?

Stoolies 2009 Summary
- by CDP
The blind pig finds the acorn. Over and over.
Season Record: 12-1

Iggles Predickshun

Semi-serious break here in the serious journalism...

Eagles record this year: 7-9

• There will be at least one [more] disastrous injury and like years past, will be trumpeted as an excuse for a bad year... as if no other team ever loses a good player.
• The Defensive Coordinator will be a public scapegoat - even though Jim Johnson's death has totally removed the last realm that fat-ass reid doesn't have 100% control over. So they drafted mostly offense and ignored the defense... and let leaders go away. 
• Defense will be in the bottom 20% of the league.
• Offense will be near the top of the league. But since there will be a lot of 'catch up' going on with bad special teams and bad defense and bad offensive line, turnovers will be among the highest in the league.
  
• There will still never be a hurry-up, no-huddle offense.
• All the same stupid problems that have occurred repeatedly over the years (no 2-minute drill, bad challenge decisions, wasted timeouts, etc.) will still be there.
• I'm so annoyed and disappointed that I can't go any further.
  

2009 Preview: Kegs

Recent History:
2008: 6-9 (10th)
2007: 5-11 (10th)
2006: 7-9 (5th)

Ponder the horror of the last 3 seasons before reading the rest of this review. Youngsters should avert their gaze.

This year's rendition of the David Gullygully Kegs has the look and feel of a rolly-polly, jiggling belly of fail.

"Just because he drafted players that have performed very well over the last few years, doesn't mean Rupert has a good team," quipped super genius Mel Kiper, Jr. "He always takes the safe route and ends up a laughing stock."

Wow... when Mel Kiper, Jr.'s trashing you, it must be bad.

"The Kegs are the team that is truly going to stink it up in Iceball," added analyst Terrence Bradshaw. "I mean, I've had some really foul ass in my day - I did grow up on the bayou, you know - but Rupe's is 2 big monkey leaps beyond nose curdling! Hyeh, yeh... I really like ass, though. And there ain't no more fun than a barrel full o gay monkeys! Hyeh. Nothin' like it. Nope. Yup. Right. What were we talkin' about?"

While Bradshaw can blame his nonsense on his many days playing without a helmet, Rupert has no excuse for his ongoing disasters. Horrible, dreadful, bad team.

Just bad.

Kegs 2009 Summary
- by CDP
Suffering from depression due to perpetually bad draft decisions. Expect all players to be listed on the 'on-the-block' list soon.
Season Record: 2-11

2009 Preview: Crusty Balloon Knots

Recent History:
2008: 6-9 (gawd-awful)
2007: 9-7 (accident)
2006: 10-6 (3rd)

When your penis is the punchline for, "what do a jonesing, trembling crack whore, a diving board for 100,000 crabs, and the odd, semi-animated smear on the executive office copier have in common," then your name is Daniel P. Gloobelfit.

Certainly one of the most incompetent commissioners to have ever commissed, Daniel's management cluelessness is rivaled only by his nonexistent football acumen. The 2009 Balloon Knots are yet another showcase for DP's public humiliation.

Traditionally the last team to select a quarterback, Danny-boy's pre-ordained targets were snapped up ahead of time, leaving him with the perennial fantasy point disaster, Ben Kochesburger. However, with the DT and Heath Miller, we may have ourselves another closeted Stiller fan in Daniel! In the words of Church Lady, "Isn't that gay?"

Look for Steven Jackson and Randy Moss to put up good numbers for the team, but in a wasted cause. Despite his insistence to the contrary, there are no extra points for having the most running backs than any other team.

New Hampshire is referred to as "The Granite State." And it's no wonder why a block-headed dolt like Dan was attracted to it.

Crusty Balloon Knots 2009 Summary
- by CDP
Over-prepared for draft. Highly suspect players. Smells funny.
Season Record: 6-7

2009 Preview: Prosthetic Frontal Lobe

Recent History:
2008: 12-4 (1st [lost final])
2007: 9-6 (6th)
2006: 10-6 (1st)

Howard Eskin claims the Lobes are a fantasy football dynasty.

A "dynasty?!?!" When people blithely toss around words like "Dynasty," to anoint someone so diligently, they're usually uptight, dickless tools trying to advance their careers as sports commentators.

But sometimes people look beyond that and their mind drifts onto individuals whose name almost became synonymous with a sport. Perhaps they think of Lulu Lilliputtypatty, who dominated the VPO (Vaginally Propelled Objects) league from 1997 through 2006. Lulu holds a host of "unbreakable" records, including most tournament wins (83), largest candle extinguishing in one queef (104 candles, on a multilayer, chocolate chiffon birthday cake), and champagne cork distance (an eye-popping 14.23 meters). The "Atlanta Snapper Flapper" is truly in an elite class.

Like Lulu, who's reign ended due to the tragic side-effects from a freakish ping-pong ball crushing accident, the sun is setting on the Lobes' power. And whereas door-sized posters of Lulu respectfully adorn the bedroom walls of Bert's saintly sons, the disgust and resentment from those same two children will explode on him like JT nutting on a strung-out transvestite's face after a $5 hummer.

Falling from grace can be painful and sad. But the mighty must fall. And unlike Lulu's sad demise, Bert's will be hilarious.

At this point, literally every single player on the entire team is injured. That is bad news for Bert and great news for all the other Lulu wannabes out there to start their own dynasty.

Prosthetic Frontal Lobe 2009 Summary
- by CDP
Complete implosion during draft. Unprepared for other owner's creative techniques. High risk of suicide.
Season Record: 0-13

2009 Preview: The Money Shots

Recent History:
2008: 9-6 (tied for 4th)
2007: 7-9 (8th)
2006: 6-9 (12th)

2008 was a breakout year for the Money Shots. After going in and out and in and out of losing seasons, owner JT Maier's squad finally finished in 4th Place.

Ms. Place was reportedly disturbed by being left a mess, but certified geniuses like JT don't have time for bagging their swimmers! They're watching hundreds of hours of video, devouring magazines, tirelessly scouting for talent, and, on occasion, stumbling upon some piece of information that actually pertains to football. Zip-tying an extra-small latex balloon to the stunningly narrow shaft of his love pickle is just too much distraction.

The steady leap from 12th, to 8th, and to 4th proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that this Mayer fella is much more than a disgraced, Pixie Stick-waving perv. It shows he has some unexplained affinity for numbers divisible by 4. Coincidentally, the Boston Strangler's little league jersey number, Charles Mansen's water polo arm floatie, and Jack the (JT) Ripper's cricket jersey number were all 4. (JTR was reputed to be quite the batsman!)

And whereas that tidbit wouldn't normally mean anything to anyone else, for JT Mirer, it means that the next number up by 4 is 0. Which doesn't make any sense. And that's exactly the point: the Money Shots' collection of stone losers doesn't make any sense.

If this team doesn't make the case against the poorly thought-out "Captain Morgan Brain Douche" line of beverages, then nothing can. With 90% of the team injured and the other half bereft of talent, JT is once again destined for the basement. And by that I mean a euphemistic basement, not JT's disgusting teen runaway dungeon where miscreants and vagabonds come face to face with horrors more intense than anything imaginable. Those two are totally, completely, different things.

That said, the emaciated teens would probably have a better chance of putting points on the board than Eddie Royal.

Money Shots 2009 Summary
- by CDP
Small winky, massive disaster. Makes annoying comments on blog site.
Season Record: 3-10

2009 Preview: Mad Dogs

Recent History:
2008: 7-8 (tied for 7th)
2007: 8-7 (7th)
2006: 9-7 (as "The [Gay] Tide", 8th)

As the record clearly shows, the Mad Dogs are a perpetually mediocre collection of underachieving half-wits, with no chance of success.

Although unable to attend the draft, Mad Dogs owner Thomas Kruefluffle prepared an elaborate guide for the impartial commissioner to use in properly choosing players. The good news for MD fans is that the instructions were so simple that even an idiot like the commissioner was able to do as he was told. The bad news for MD fans is that the instructions were so simple that the commissioner followed them.

Top selection for the Dogs is the fragile Tom Brady. Other than that, it's a shameful mess of players from last place AFC teams.

"All I know is I'm still chisling pieces of Karen's ass off the walls, floor, and ceiling of my bathroom. I'll never host one of these idiotic ventures again if that bitch doesn't eat more cheese or something," Tom complained when asked to assess the status of his team.

After being reminded that the point of the question was to get his feelings on his team's players, Krueputtin blubbered incoherently and hung up. Family members later reported that the beleaguered man was calling friends and neighbors in a desperate search for heroin, tearfully describing "pain - so much pain!"

Despite the owner's bitter and pathetic disappointment, computer models developed by the Computer Data Progeny indicate some counterintutive predictions for the season. Report output is shown below.

Mad Dogs 2009 Summary
- by CDP
Accidental genius. Initial terror will result in apoplexy, preventing rash changes.
Season Record: 9-4

2009 Draft - Another Collosal Failure

Faces beamed, beer vanished, and the sports ignorance flowed like semen.

The only real highlight of the afternoon was that the damn thing ended.

A few notes...

After significant investigation, it was confirmed that the largest, messy burst of diarrhea splatter all around the toilet was caused by Karen. For this impressive accomplishment, Karen wins this year's Most Valuable Drafter. Congratulations Karen.

The distinctive crackling sound of freshly opened draft guides filled the flatulence-tinted air during the pre-draft gala. Most of the attendees determined to draft from a state of abject ignorance this season, given the dearth of "can't miss" players and the fact that these things are 80% luck anyway. This approach was certainly liberating and a great stress relief. This fact, however, had the typically hyper-prepared Bert brimming with confidence - during the times he wasn't using the Karen-saturated bathroom as an inhaler.

Several drafters unwittingly participated in the first remote, web-cam fondling ever performed in draft history. The techniques used by JT on the far end of the web-cam link were both innovative and very pleasing. This approach combined all the delightful benefits of a real, bona-fide, hands-on diddling with the added comfort associated with avoiding direct contact with the unquestionably horrifying array of bacteria and viruses infesting JT's fingers.

In addition, we discovered JT could use a bikini wax.

Two teams weren't present to impart their drafting genius: Tom K. (rhymes with gay) and Chris L (rhymes with gristle). The normally tortoise-like pace of the draft, led annually by the absurdly slow Patrique, was even more intolerable than usual due to their absence.

Reviews for each team will be arriving soon. Expert analysis of the draft strategies and the players selected will be discussed in each review.