Yes, the annual change of team logos hits yet another rock of stupid on the bumpy raft ride down the rapids of Idiot River.
Wisely judging that the cause for their first week loss was bad karma due to the maintenance of the Pugnacious Pussies logo, team owner Tim Drippydink immediately spun his crack marketing team onto the task of finding a more appropriate logo for the Smegma-Gargling Stool Compressors. And whereas marketing people are typically on crack, Drippy's squad completed the task with aplomb (Don, that means they completed the job with determination and perseverance).
"I'm very pleased with the new logo," said Drip. "I was told that it was taken from a scrapbook compiled by Mr. John Aimer. He was a passionate fan."
'Fan of who or what,' you might ask? Without further ado, the Stoolies logo for at least the next couple weeks:
Oh my, you can practically hear the lilting *ding!* of another match for Charles Nelson Reilly, can't you?! No stranger to the tang of noodle-juice, it's hard (what?!?!) to imagine a more appropriate logo without, of course, inserting photos of most of the owners of teams in this league.
So there you have it, sports fans! Now that the gods have been appeased, look for rest of the season to turn around for the Compressors. Instead of remaining competitive, expect a series of horrific blowouts and a drop to the basement... again.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
2009 Preview: Token Chicks
Recent History:
2008: 7-9 (5th)
2007: 5-10 (12th)
2006: 9-7 (3rd)
"Why is it you brainless, sausage-dangling jackasses think that you're superior to girls when it comes to football?!" exploded TC owner Karen Ballstomper, on her way to running a blue streak that would curdle a truck driver's oatmeal.
"Last year, I kicked almost ALL your stupid asses! Look at Rupert, I RULED that piece of shit! John Amer is a stone cold pussy, too. And Burnips - he isn't even fit to mop up after a good douching much less draft and run a fantasy football team!
"Don't get me started on Dan and his f***ing penny-loafer, f*g ensembles. I swear I saw him sucking c**k in an alley in Allentown just for fun. Trash-talking condom milker is what he is - and tell that mary that if he makes another comment about my erect nipples I'm gonna snap off his arm and fist-f**k his a** with it!
"Which reminds me of brother Don. Jes*s f**king Chr*st, Brandy has a bigger d*ck than Don!
"Oh yeah, that twisted sh*thole Lefleffle won't stop e-mailing me close-up pictures of sphincters. What the f**k is that?!? Why the f**k would anyone get anything out of that? If you want to worship ass, fine - just don't share that glory-hole sh*t with me! How that f**king turd won the league last year is totally beyond my comprehension.
"And by the way, I've seen Patrick's little dipper, and I can tell you with 100% confidence that if you guys are impressed, you must all be hung like a dwarf flea! My husband can drive nails with his love dagger. You losers are PATHETIC!
"I have no idea why I slum with these a**holes every year. Such a total waste of time and energy."
All that just because the conversation was started with an innocent offer of a fist-full of Midol. What a bitch! Can you imagine what she'd say if we told her that her husband already told us he always uses a strap-on?! Yikes...
2008: 7-9 (5th)
2007: 5-10 (12th)
2006: 9-7 (3rd)
"Why is it you brainless, sausage-dangling jackasses think that you're superior to girls when it comes to football?!" exploded TC owner Karen Ballstomper, on her way to running a blue streak that would curdle a truck driver's oatmeal.
"Last year, I kicked almost ALL your stupid asses! Look at Rupert, I RULED that piece of shit! John Amer is a stone cold pussy, too. And Burnips - he isn't even fit to mop up after a good douching much less draft and run a fantasy football team!
"Don't get me started on Dan and his f***ing penny-loafer, f*g ensembles. I swear I saw him sucking c**k in an alley in Allentown just for fun. Trash-talking condom milker is what he is - and tell that mary that if he makes another comment about my erect nipples I'm gonna snap off his arm and fist-f**k his a** with it!
"Which reminds me of brother Don. Jes*s f**king Chr*st, Brandy has a bigger d*ck than Don!
"Oh yeah, that twisted sh*thole Lefleffle won't stop e-mailing me close-up pictures of sphincters. What the f**k is that?!? Why the f**k would anyone get anything out of that? If you want to worship ass, fine - just don't share that glory-hole sh*t with me! How that f**king turd won the league last year is totally beyond my comprehension.
"And by the way, I've seen Patrick's little dipper, and I can tell you with 100% confidence that if you guys are impressed, you must all be hung like a dwarf flea! My husband can drive nails with his love dagger. You losers are PATHETIC!
"I have no idea why I slum with these a**holes every year. Such a total waste of time and energy."
All that just because the conversation was started with an innocent offer of a fist-full of Midol. What a bitch! Can you imagine what she'd say if we told her that her husband already told us he always uses a strap-on?! Yikes...
Token Chicks 2009 Summary
- by CDP
If prediction application run during non-menstrual phase, results would be different.
Season Record: 13-0
- by CDP
If prediction application run during non-menstrual phase, results would be different.
Season Record: 13-0
2009 Preview: Stool Compressors
Recent History:
2008: 8-8 (5th)
2007: 5-10 (11th)
2006: 7-8 (9th)
Purely spectacular draft strategy. Like every year.
Hmmm... could there have been some bad data fed into the CDP?
2008: 8-8 (5th)
2007: 5-10 (11th)
2006: 7-8 (9th)
Purely spectacular draft strategy. Like every year.
Hmmm... could there have been some bad data fed into the CDP?
Stoolies 2009 Summary
- by CDP
The blind pig finds the acorn. Over and over.
Season Record: 12-1
- by CDP
The blind pig finds the acorn. Over and over.
Season Record: 12-1
Friday, September 11, 2009
Iggles Predickshun
Semi-serious break here in the serious journalism...
Eagles record this year: 7-9
- There will be at least one [more] disastrous injury and like years past, will be trumpeted as an excuse for a bad year... as if no other team ever loses a good player.
- The Defensive Coordinator will be a public scapegoat - even though Jim Johnson's death has totally removed the last realm that fat-ass reid doesn't have 100% control over. So they drafted mostly offense and ignored the defense... and let leaders go away.
- Defense will be in the bottom 20% of the league.
- Offense will be near the top of the league. But since there will be a lot of 'catch up' going on with bad special teams and bad defense and bad offensive line, turnovers will be among the highest in the league.
- There will still never be a hurry-up, no-huddle offense.
- All the same stupid problems that have occurred repeatedly over the years (no 2-minute drill, bad challenge decisions, wasted timeouts, etc.) will still be there.
- I'm so annoyed and disappointed that I can't go any further.
Monday, September 7, 2009
2009 Preview: Kegs
Recent History:
2008: 6-9 (10th)
2007: 5-11 (10th)
2006: 7-9 (5th)
Ponder the horror of the last 3 seasons before reading the rest of this review. Youngsters should avert their gaze.
This year's rendition of the David Gullygully Kegs has the look and feel of a rolly-polly, jiggling belly of fail.
"Just because he drafted players that have performed very well over the last few years, doesn't mean Rupert has a good team," quipped super genius Mel Kiper, Jr. "He always takes the safe route and ends up a laughing stock."
Wow... when Mel Kiper, Jr.'s trashing you, it must be bad.
"The Kegs are the team that is truly going to stink it up in Iceball," added analyst Terrence Bradshaw. "I mean, I've had some really foul ass in my day - I did grow up on the bayou, you know - but Rupe's is 2 big monkey leaps beyond nose curdling! Hyeh, yeh... I really like ass, though. And there ain't no more fun than a barrel full o gay monkeys! Hyeh. Nothin' like it. Nope. Yup. Right. What were we talkin' about?"
While Bradshaw can blame his nonsense on his many days playing without a helmet, Rupert has no excuse for his ongoing disasters. Horrible, dreadful, bad team.
Just bad.
2008: 6-9 (10th)
2007: 5-11 (10th)
2006: 7-9 (5th)
Ponder the horror of the last 3 seasons before reading the rest of this review. Youngsters should avert their gaze.
This year's rendition of the David Gullygully Kegs has the look and feel of a rolly-polly, jiggling belly of fail.
"Just because he drafted players that have performed very well over the last few years, doesn't mean Rupert has a good team," quipped super genius Mel Kiper, Jr. "He always takes the safe route and ends up a laughing stock."
Wow... when Mel Kiper, Jr.'s trashing you, it must be bad.
"The Kegs are the team that is truly going to stink it up in Iceball," added analyst Terrence Bradshaw. "I mean, I've had some really foul ass in my day - I did grow up on the bayou, you know - but Rupe's is 2 big monkey leaps beyond nose curdling! Hyeh, yeh... I really like ass, though. And there ain't no more fun than a barrel full o gay monkeys! Hyeh. Nothin' like it. Nope. Yup. Right. What were we talkin' about?"
While Bradshaw can blame his nonsense on his many days playing without a helmet, Rupert has no excuse for his ongoing disasters. Horrible, dreadful, bad team.
Just bad.
Kegs 2009 Summary
- by CDP
Suffering from depression due to perpetually bad draft decisions. Expect all players to be listed on the 'on-the-block' list soon.
Season Record: 2-11
- by CDP
Suffering from depression due to perpetually bad draft decisions. Expect all players to be listed on the 'on-the-block' list soon.
Season Record: 2-11
Sunday, September 6, 2009
2009 Preview: Crusty Balloon Knots
Recent History:
2008: 6-9 (gawd-awful)
2007: 9-7 (accident)
2006: 10-6 (3rd)
When your penis is the punchline for, "what do a jonesing, trembling crack whore, a diving board for 100,000 crabs, and the odd, semi-animated smear on the executive office copier have in common," then your name is Daniel P. Gloobelfit.
Certainly one of the most incompetent commissioners to have ever commissed, Daniel's management cluelessness is rivaled only by his nonexistent football acumen. The 2009 Balloon Knots are yet another showcase for DP's public humiliation.
Traditionally the last team to select a quarterback, Danny-boy's pre-ordained targets were snapped up ahead of time, leaving him with the perennial fantasy point disaster, Ben Kochesburger. However, with the DT and Heath Miller, we may have ourselves another closeted Stiller fan in Daniel! In the words of Church Lady, "Isn't that gay?"
Look for Steven Jackson and Randy Moss to put up good numbers for the team, but in a wasted cause. Despite his insistence to the contrary, there are no extra points for having the most running backs than any other team.
New Hampshire is referred to as "The Granite State." And it's no wonder why a block-headed dolt like Dan was attracted to it.
2008: 6-9 (gawd-awful)
2007: 9-7 (accident)
2006: 10-6 (3rd)
When your penis is the punchline for, "what do a jonesing, trembling crack whore, a diving board for 100,000 crabs, and the odd, semi-animated smear on the executive office copier have in common," then your name is Daniel P. Gloobelfit.
Certainly one of the most incompetent commissioners to have ever commissed, Daniel's management cluelessness is rivaled only by his nonexistent football acumen. The 2009 Balloon Knots are yet another showcase for DP's public humiliation.
Traditionally the last team to select a quarterback, Danny-boy's pre-ordained targets were snapped up ahead of time, leaving him with the perennial fantasy point disaster, Ben Kochesburger. However, with the DT and Heath Miller, we may have ourselves another closeted Stiller fan in Daniel! In the words of Church Lady, "Isn't that gay?"
Look for Steven Jackson and Randy Moss to put up good numbers for the team, but in a wasted cause. Despite his insistence to the contrary, there are no extra points for having the most running backs than any other team.
New Hampshire is referred to as "The Granite State." And it's no wonder why a block-headed dolt like Dan was attracted to it.
Crusty Balloon Knots 2009 Summary
- by CDP
Over-prepared for draft. Highly suspect players. Smells funny.
Season Record: 6-7
- by CDP
Over-prepared for draft. Highly suspect players. Smells funny.
Season Record: 6-7
Thursday, September 3, 2009
2009 Preview: Prosthetic Frontal Lobe
Recent History:
2008: 12-4 (1st [lost final])
2007: 9-6 (6th)
2006: 10-6 (1st)
Howard Eskin claims the Lobes are a fantasy football dynasty.
A "dynasty?!?!" When people blithely toss around words like "Dynasty," to anoint someone so diligently, they're usually uptight, dickless tools trying to advance their careers as sports commentators.
But sometimes people look beyond that and their mind drifts onto individuals whose name almost became synonymous with a sport. Perhaps they think of Lulu Lilliputtypatty, who dominated the VPO (Vaginally Propelled Objects) league from 1997 through 2006. Lulu holds a host of "unbreakable" records, including most tournament wins (83), largest candle extinguishing in one queef (104 candles, on a multilayer, chocolate chiffon birthday cake), and champagne cork distance (an eye-popping 14.23 meters). The "Atlanta Snapper Flapper" is truly in an elite class.
Like Lulu, who's reign ended due to the tragic side-effects from a freakish ping-pong ball crushing accident, the sun is setting on the Lobes' power. And whereas door-sized posters of Lulu respectfully adorn the bedroom walls of Bert's saintly sons, the disgust and resentment from those same two children will explode on him like JT nutting on a strung-out transvestite's face after a $5 hummer.
Falling from grace can be painful and sad. But the mighty must fall. And unlike Lulu's sad demise, Bert's will be hilarious.
At this point, literally every single player on the entire team is injured. That is bad news for Bert and great news for all the other Lulu wannabes out there to start their own dynasty.
2008: 12-4 (1st [lost final])
2007: 9-6 (6th)
2006: 10-6 (1st)
Howard Eskin claims the Lobes are a fantasy football dynasty.
A "dynasty?!?!" When people blithely toss around words like "Dynasty," to anoint someone so diligently, they're usually uptight, dickless tools trying to advance their careers as sports commentators.
But sometimes people look beyond that and their mind drifts onto individuals whose name almost became synonymous with a sport. Perhaps they think of Lulu Lilliputtypatty, who dominated the VPO (Vaginally Propelled Objects) league from 1997 through 2006. Lulu holds a host of "unbreakable" records, including most tournament wins (83), largest candle extinguishing in one queef (104 candles, on a multilayer, chocolate chiffon birthday cake), and champagne cork distance (an eye-popping 14.23 meters). The "Atlanta Snapper Flapper" is truly in an elite class.
Like Lulu, who's reign ended due to the tragic side-effects from a freakish ping-pong ball crushing accident, the sun is setting on the Lobes' power. And whereas door-sized posters of Lulu respectfully adorn the bedroom walls of Bert's saintly sons, the disgust and resentment from those same two children will explode on him like JT nutting on a strung-out transvestite's face after a $5 hummer.
Falling from grace can be painful and sad. But the mighty must fall. And unlike Lulu's sad demise, Bert's will be hilarious.
At this point, literally every single player on the entire team is injured. That is bad news for Bert and great news for all the other Lulu wannabes out there to start their own dynasty.
Prosthetic Frontal Lobe 2009 Summary
- by CDP
Complete implosion during draft. Unprepared for other owner's creative techniques. High risk of suicide.
Season Record: 0-13
- by CDP
Complete implosion during draft. Unprepared for other owner's creative techniques. High risk of suicide.
Season Record: 0-13
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