2009 Preview: The Money Shots

Recent History:
2008: 9-6 (tied for 4th)
2007: 7-9 (8th)
2006: 6-9 (12th)

2008 was a breakout year for the Money Shots. After going in and out and in and out of losing seasons, owner JT Maier's squad finally finished in 4th Place.

Ms. Place was reportedly disturbed by being left a mess, but certified geniuses like JT don't have time for bagging their swimmers! They're watching hundreds of hours of video, devouring magazines, tirelessly scouting for talent, and, on occasion, stumbling upon some piece of information that actually pertains to football. Zip-tying an extra-small latex balloon to the stunningly narrow shaft of his love pickle is just too much distraction.

The steady leap from 12th, to 8th, and to 4th proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that this Mayer fella is much more than a disgraced, Pixie Stick-waving perv. It shows he has some unexplained affinity for numbers divisible by 4. Coincidentally, the Boston Strangler's little league jersey number, Charles Mansen's water polo arm floatie, and Jack the (JT) Ripper's cricket jersey number were all 4. (JTR was reputed to be quite the batsman!)

And whereas that tidbit wouldn't normally mean anything to anyone else, for JT Mirer, it means that the next number up by 4 is 0. Which doesn't make any sense. And that's exactly the point: the Money Shots' collection of stone losers doesn't make any sense.

If this team doesn't make the case against the poorly thought-out "Captain Morgan Brain Douche" line of beverages, then nothing can. With 90% of the team injured and the other half bereft of talent, JT is once again destined for the basement. And by that I mean a euphemistic basement, not JT's disgusting teen runaway dungeon where miscreants and vagabonds come face to face with horrors more intense than anything imaginable. Those two are totally, completely, different things.

That said, the emaciated teens would probably have a better chance of putting points on the board than Eddie Royal.

Money Shots 2009 Summary
- by CDP
Small winky, massive disaster. Makes annoying comments on blog site.
Season Record: 3-10

2009 Preview: Mad Dogs

Recent History:
2008: 7-8 (tied for 7th)
2007: 8-7 (7th)
2006: 9-7 (as "The [Gay] Tide", 8th)

As the record clearly shows, the Mad Dogs are a perpetually mediocre collection of underachieving half-wits, with no chance of success.

Although unable to attend the draft, Mad Dogs owner Thomas Kruefluffle prepared an elaborate guide for the impartial commissioner to use in properly choosing players. The good news for MD fans is that the instructions were so simple that even an idiot like the commissioner was able to do as he was told. The bad news for MD fans is that the instructions were so simple that the commissioner followed them.

Top selection for the Dogs is the fragile Tom Brady. Other than that, it's a shameful mess of players from last place AFC teams.

"All I know is I'm still chisling pieces of Karen's ass off the walls, floor, and ceiling of my bathroom. I'll never host one of these idiotic ventures again if that bitch doesn't eat more cheese or something," Tom complained when asked to assess the status of his team.

After being reminded that the point of the question was to get his feelings on his team's players, Krueputtin blubbered incoherently and hung up. Family members later reported that the beleaguered man was calling friends and neighbors in a desperate search for heroin, tearfully describing "pain - so much pain!"

Despite the owner's bitter and pathetic disappointment, computer models developed by the Computer Data Progeny indicate some counterintutive predictions for the season. Report output is shown below.

Mad Dogs 2009 Summary
- by CDP
Accidental genius. Initial terror will result in apoplexy, preventing rash changes.
Season Record: 9-4

2009 Draft - Another Collosal Failure

Faces beamed, beer vanished, and the sports ignorance flowed like semen.

The only real highlight of the afternoon was that the damn thing ended.

A few notes...

After significant investigation, it was confirmed that the largest, messy burst of diarrhea splatter all around the toilet was caused by Karen. For this impressive accomplishment, Karen wins this year's Most Valuable Drafter. Congratulations Karen.

The distinctive crackling sound of freshly opened draft guides filled the flatulence-tinted air during the pre-draft gala. Most of the attendees determined to draft from a state of abject ignorance this season, given the dearth of "can't miss" players and the fact that these things are 80% luck anyway. This approach was certainly liberating and a great stress relief. This fact, however, had the typically hyper-prepared Bert brimming with confidence - during the times he wasn't using the Karen-saturated bathroom as an inhaler.

Several drafters unwittingly participated in the first remote, web-cam fondling ever performed in draft history. The techniques used by JT on the far end of the web-cam link were both innovative and very pleasing. This approach combined all the delightful benefits of a real, bona-fide, hands-on diddling with the added comfort associated with avoiding direct contact with the unquestionably horrifying array of bacteria and viruses infesting JT's fingers.

In addition, we discovered JT could use a bikini wax.

Two teams weren't present to impart their drafting genius: Tom K. (rhymes with gay) and Chris L (rhymes with gristle). The normally tortoise-like pace of the draft, led annually by the absurdly slow Patrique, was even more intolerable than usual due to their absence.

Reviews for each team will be arriving soon. Expert analysis of the draft strategies and the players selected will be discussed in each review.