Corruption Scandal Rocks Iceball!!!

[This article is reprinted with the permission of Reuters.]

Stunning allegations have arisen that are sending shockwaves through the Iceball lig.

Video recordings of Commissioner (or shall we say, 'commissar'???) Dimples Kelpsky have been reportedly turned over to the Iceball League's Investigations & Conduct Enforcement (ICE) department to determine next steps. Although the tapes detail breathtaking corruption and moral turpitude, Kelp's henchmen are not taking the accusations idly.

"This entire so-called 'incident' is a sham. It's an outrageous hoax. A witch hunt! An elaborately staged bit of video trickery intended to dethrone the future's only permanent Iceball champion," howled Kelpsky's attorney in a press conference.

"But sir, the FBI released a transcript of video footage that featured your client's deplorable behavior. Are you suggesting that all of the hours of footage are fake?" begged a reporter.

"Yes. That is correct. We will pursue justice and exact vengeance on the Jews that perpetrated this outrageous outrage!"

"Sir, you have proof that it was a cabal of Jewish people that perpetrated the outrage?"

"I might. I might not. But this seems to be a great way to spin up enough violence that people will forget this stuff ever happened. Let's just leave it at that and make sure that this response to your question is not made public."

Despite the request for secrecy, we are publishing a key portion of the video's transcript:

Transcript

[Knock on door, head pops into office...]

Worker 1: Hi, Mr. Kelpsky? You called for me?

Kelp: Who the f**k are you?!

Worker 1: Schwartz, sir. I just got back from paternity leave and -

Kelp: Oh, that's right. You're the f**king pussy who can't be an actual man. Now I remember all the reasons I regretted hiring you!

Worker 1: Sir, you said I had the best analytical mind you'd seen in a long time when you hired me!

Kelp: If you're not here to help me when I need it, what good is your f**king mind?!

Worker 1: I-I-I'm sorry, sir. I'll never take a day off again, I swear!

Kelp: That's a small step in the right direction. Now sit down on the floor over there.

Worker 1: Sir, there's no room. You have 15 people in your office.

Kelp: Schwartz, let me put this to you in the simplest possible terms that even an asshole like you can under-f**king-stand.

Worker 1: Thank you, sir.

Kelp: If you don't sit down over there and run millions of simulations and test scenarios that will give me the answer to the question, 'should I start Brandin Cooks or Larry Fitzgerald,' I will slit your baby's throat with box cutter. You feel me?

Worker 1: Oh my god!

Kelp: Oops! I'm so sorry. Let me restate that: 'if you don't get me the answer to the question of Cooks vs. Fitz within the next 3 hours, I'll slit your baby's throat AND your wife's throat.

Worker 1:  [stares in disbelief and shock]

Kelp: My advice is to get busy. You want to do the DST analysis, too, f**k-face?

Worker 7: Mr. Kelpsky... I've been working on the projections for Phillip Lindsay -

Kelp: Two "L's" in Phillip.

Worker 7: Yes, sir. Sir, I've been working on this with no breaks for 31 straight hours with no breaks.

Kelp: Bullshit. I escorted you to the bathroom 3 times. In fact, I vividly remember stopping you from eating toilet paper when you were whining about starving to death.

[Kelp walks around and sits at his desk.]

Worker 7: But I'm about to pass out, sir. I don't mind doing this work, but I haven't talked to my family in days and they're probably worried about me -

Kelp: Is the work done and to the confidence level I've given you?

Worker 7: Well, no, but -

Kelp: Then I suggest you get your slacker ass back onto the floor and crunching numbers before I throw you out the window. Savvy?

Worker 7: [turns, crying]

[Kelp pulls his chair up to his desk]

Kelp: [grumbling] F**cking millenials have no idea how the world works!

[Kelp shows surprised expression and suddenly looks under his desk]

Kelp: Is someone sucking my c*ck?!?

Worker 14: Yes, sir. It's me, Hanrahan. I wanted to pitch in somehow, but I'm not as good at crunching numbers as the others. So I decided to crunch on your bone.

Kelp: Well, thanks, Hanrahan. You're definitely a team player and I'll remember this at bonus time!

Worker 14: Thank you, sir. Should I keep on going? I can show you some neat tricks I've learned from the tranny in shipping!

Kelp: That's very nice, but my boner is all about winning the championship this year. Plus I need to focus on my Frank Gore projections. So get the f**k out from under there, pronto.

[A ruckus arises outside the door. A man lurches into the room with Kelp's administrative assistant trying to hold the man back.]

AA: You can't go in there! Very important work is being done!

Man: I am the got-damned CEO of this firm! I will go into whatever office I want!

AA: I'm so sorry, Mr. Kelp.

Kelp: It's okay, toots. How about you sashay on out of here so I can see those sexy ass cheeks swinging from side to side?

AA: [smiles and turns]

CEO: What in the world is going on in here?!? Half the IT staff is crammed into your office!

Kelp: [finishes leering at AA] What was that? Sorry, I wasn't paying any attention.

CEO: What are all these people doing in your office?? All I see is fantasy football related material on their screens and the printers across the entire office building are busy shooting out pages of NFL statistics!

Kelp: Yeah, we're very busy.

CEO: This is NOT the work you're paid to do, Mr. Kelp! None of these people are getting any work done for the firm!

Kelp: [leans back in his chair] Look, skipper. On any given day, you're lucky to get 1 f**king password reset done with this talentless, redneck jambalaya of IT posers. So I outsourced all that to India and now no one calls for help anymore. The only reasonable thing for me to do is to use them to generate data that I can use to win the f**king Iceball championship.

Worker 5: "Talentless rednecks?" Sir!

Kelp: Oh my f**king god! This is f**king Nashville! This is the first time you inbred, coal-sucking, nipple-chewers have ever been called "rednecks"?!

CEO: [in shock, stares a few moments] I can't believe what I'm hearing! This is worst case of insubordination I've ever witnessed!

Kelp: Oh. Then you're gonna want to be here next week for the 'hooker hoot-nanny!' We're really raising the bar!

CEO: [angry for a moment, suddenly moving into shocked, and then his face gradually turns into a smile]

Kelp: Good move, Hanrahan!


[Hanrahan aggressively blows the CEO, who quickly finishes]

[Kelp goes back to typing on the keyboard] 

Kelp: Alrighty! I suppose we can get back to work, huh skipper?

CEO: Are you sure no one is calling the help desk or having any tech problems in the store?

Kelp: The Indians have it all covered. They never complain, no matter how much sh*t you give 'em, either.

CEO: Okay, then. Carry on.

Kelp: Not so fast!

CEO: Huh? What?

[Kelp tosses a laptop to CEO]

Kelp: Find me a waiver wire Tight End. No eating or drinking until I get someone better than that f**king ass-clown Watson!

[CEO awkwardly finds place to sit on the floor]

CEO: I didn't expect to get blackmailed into doing fantasy football work today.

Kelp: I want 4 options and statistical outlook for each for the rest of the year. I just finished Frank Gore's analysis. Now it's time to tweak the scoring system so I can beat my brothers....