Shocking Reid Press Conference

Wow. This is pretty racy stuff. I just pulled this down from the AP wire.
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Andy Reid official press conference on 8-26-2011 faithfully transcribed by AP correspondent Ashley Tisdale.

Reid: Uh, ok. So we had practice today. And the coaches did a great job. Uh, there were players with us. timeisyours.

Unidentified Reporter: Andy, Andy, Andy!

Reid: You. What the hell do you want to waste my precious time with?

UR1: We heard that you have adopted a new son. Is that true?

Reid: Not that anything I do anywhere at any time in any context is anyone's business, but yes, we adopted a boy.

UR1: And the government approved the paperwork for such a thing even as we know that both of your filthy drug-dealing, gangsta-wannabe, piece of crap adult offspring are honing their criminal minds in prison right now?

Reid: They were driven to crime due the depression from listening to you creeps asking me questions and the [sneering air quotes, coughs] "fans" who call for my firing because they are tired of me beating up on the weak teams and getting stomped in the playoffs. It's all your fault.

UR1: But -

Reid: In fact, nothing's my fault - ever. When the team wins, it's because of me. When the team loses, it's someone else's doing. I've done nothing wrong.

UR2: Andy, haven't you said before in press conferences that a loss was your fault?

Reid: I said that, but it's a lie. When the team loses, it's because the players didn't run my plays good enough.

UR3: But if the players aren't good enough, isn't Personnel Director Andy Reid at fault?

Reid: Quit asking stupid questions, it's never my fault if anything goes wrong. Shut the hell up.

Howard Eskin: Mmm hmmph hmph mmmmmhmmmmph!!!!

Reid: [hops up in his chair and then lands back on his huge ass] Quit wiggling around down there, Eskin, you're ruining it for me.

UR1: What?! Is Howard Eskin physically inside your colon?!?!

Reid [clears throat]: Yes. [clears throat again] He earned it.

Beasley Reece: Andy! Andy!

Reid: Beasley.

BR: What do I have to do to get my entire body shoved into your colon?

Reid: Can't tell ya. Then the acts wouldn't be genuine.

UR2: Andy, what's the little boy's name that you adopted?

Reid: His name is Brent. He works at an engineering company in Delaware.

[Reporters all exchange bewildered looks.]

UR4: Uh, he has a job?!?!

Reid: Yup. Cute as a button.

Reece: Andy, at what time intervals do you rotate people in your rectum?

Eskin: Mm m mmm hmm-hmmm mmmmHmmmmmm!!!

Reid: Eskin, this is your last warning!!

UR5: Coach, why have you adopted an adult man?

Reid: Not that it's any of your business, but I needed to get someone who could legally have an Oedipus Complex.

[More stunned looks across all the reporters, except for one.]

UR3: Andy, why would you hire a live-in gigolo and call him an adopted son?

Reid: Look, you assholes continuously question the way I do things. I do things in ways so brilliant that your pea brains can't even comprehend. So you attack them. I'm tired of it.

Reece: Andy, I recall your johnson to be quite an impressive length. I mean, you're hung!

Reid: THAT is a good question. You're on your way, Beasley!

UR2: So if you've got a mammoth wang, why do you need to hire this Brent fella to service your wife?

Reid: Unfortunately, my 15 inch pile-driver [coughs] has to protrude past 18 inches of mammoth stomach to be of value to my dear wife. So in effect, [clears throat] I have an "innie" and the wife wants better than scratches on her vaginal lips from my Motorhead belly button ring.

UR3: Was Brent your top draft choice for the position?

Reid: Well, he has good value. Good value at the position. He'll do great.

UR4: When can we talk to Brent?

Reid: Brent is not allowed to hold press conferences. No one has press conferences without my permission. [clears throat] No one, no time, anywhere!

UR4: How do you expect to keep Brent quiet? Isn't that -

Reid: Well, by now, he should be coming out of the drug-induced haze inside his cage in the basement. If the little tike is able to see this, then I have something to tell him [coughs]. Hey Brent? I know you've loved me with a passion from the first day I arrived in town. So you [coughs] probably remember how I looked after the Slim Fast thing. [clears throat] That was the time we didn't need the last adopted boy around to service the wife anymore and he told me he was going to talk to the media. [clears throat] The authorities have never found out where he went, [rubbing belly] but I can tell you it may not be a coincidence that I gained 200 pounds around the time of his disappearance. I'm just sayin... [coughs, looks around room]

[Reporter jaws all agape - except for one.]

Reece: That was the right decision, Andy!

Reid: Another great question, Beasley. [coughs]

UR1: [to UR2] Do you think we should call the police?

UR5: Most of your ardent admirers use the same arguments that they used to support then-coach Buddy Ryan's perpetual coronation as head coach. To them, he was the only person in recent history who had gotten the team to the playoffs, and in their logic, it was true that he was the only person who could have brought the Eagles to the Super Bowl.

Reid: That's flawless logic. Replacing coaches only leads to total failure. What's your point?

UR5: Didn't you replace a coach?

Reid: That sort of talk will prevent you from ever touring Andy's Anal Caverns.

UR1: I really think we should call the police.