"The success of the Stool Compressors is an atrocity unparalleled in human history! An abomination!"
-- Moammar Gadhafi's final words
"Dearest Lord, please forgive me for what I've wrought upon mankind!"
-- Mom Cahoillio
"Attila the Hun showed more kindness and mercy than this creep. I mean, really, the Stool Compressors are a steam-roller able to drive at 100 MPH, crushing everyone in sight and from which no one can escape."
-- Ted Koppel
"My butthole has just now finally narrowed down to a gaping 16-inch diameter tunnel - and I played that homo in week one!"
-- Bert
"Shut the fuck up, Ted Koppel!"
-- Anonymous
"I played him in week two, but with delivering this eruption of, what, 5 or 6 damn kids, I don't exactly know who to blame for my widened plumbing. By the way, has anyone seen any of my kids - they were around here an hour ago... dammit...."
-- K
"This was a machine built with brilliant draft day maneuvers and a determined, unmatched intellect. Skill wrapped in genius, on top of a bed of killer instinct, and slathered with a delicious tomato sauce."
-- Chris "Why am I Always a Fucking Idiot about Everything" Berman
"I wanted to crawl back into that dingy basement cage in Andy's house after being on the business end of that maniac's team. What have I become?!"
-- Brent
"What? I'd have never drafted those players. Really?"
-- Mel Kiper
"The only thing that I have that motivates me to get out of my miserable, piss-soaked bed in the morning is the realization that the number 1 team never wins the championship in this league. Never!"
-- Kelp, channeling Bert
"I'm not playing him this year. Forget it. Screw it. Fuck all of you. He's on those MEGA manhood-enhancing remedies and I'm just not in the mood."
-- Jater... week 7 opponents for the Stool Compressors
"Who cares - where are my goddamn donut holes?! No, not those! The powder-sugary-coated ones!"
-- Gully
"When does the league start playing games?"
-- Davey B
"He asked me to carry his baby. Like 200 times."
-- A-Train
Clearly, the effect of this team on the rest of the world has been profound, if not nauseating. Keep tuned to follow the inevitable, disastrous fall from grace sure to unfold over the next few weeks. The team's latest grimly intimidating logo shows a defiant spirit that will ultimately have to be shattered.
