Centuries ago, Mayan astronomers formulated their latest calendar and it ends in 2012. Although brushed aside as trivial silliness, this matter has become the subject of a new blockbuster film, conclusively proving that the end of the world is just around the corner.
However, the current situation with the Stoolies has scientists grappling with the probability that the world will, in fact, end before the completion of the football season. The justification for the spreading panic is clear to those who have studied Egyptology.
Discovered in the early 1900s, ancient hieroglyphics foretold of the end of days. The days would be preceded by years of conflict. The moment when time stops and all matter as we know it disintegrates would be triggered by, "the absurdly improbable culmination of a fantasy football season by a douchebag who, hereto for, always loses and continuously changes logos featuring a semi-flaming has-been."
Besides the obvious implications of the ancient's astoundingly accurate prediction of fantasy football competition, it is an amazing re-discovered finding that has shaken the intractable calm of modern doomsday conspiracy theorists around the globe. There's no telling what impact this issue will have on society, but 24-hour protection has been asked for by Stool Compressor owner, Timmy Pickleslipper. The instantly rejected request leaves him vulnerable to assassination by crazy people who want the world to last a couple years longer.
