3:18 PM: JT is smashing in a "Drunk Chicks Dig Me" t-shirt. If he had worn pants it would have been more interesting. We've all seen his junk so many, many times... it's not even a mild curiosity anymore.
3:21 PM: Douche-bag commissioner is asking for $5 from everyone for pizza. Totally unprepared and incompetent.
3:22 PM: Donnie submits a check that is bigger than a frigging newspaper. It can't possibly be real. Kelp believes Donnie-boy's over-compensating for some other "shortcoming." I'm not so sure an "innie" is technically "short."
3:36: first round is done. So far, JT is still a flaming homo.
3:37: Chris admits to drinking scotch and water... pathetically drinking while alone.
3:37: JT forgets that you're supposed to put the stickers on the chart, not your forehead.
3:39: Bert is rubbing Dave's leg. Horrifying.
3:40: Mad Dogs take another cowpie... THAT will be controversial... assuming that Bert stops rubbing Dave's dangler.
3:42: Kelp admits to pleasuring himself on the highway after seeing a truckload of watermelons.
3:44: Dave is up. It's astounding, but I think he's actually larger than last year. Gotta be 275 pounds.
3:47: I just noticed that Karen is wearing a short skirt. This is inappropriate... and I think, unprecedented in draft history!
3:50: Cousin Donald is flexing his ass-cheeks... JT breaks into a poem, "ode to the cinnamon ring".... not sure what that means...
3:53: We're 3 picks into the third round and we're already at a screeching halt now that Rupe is on the clock... then he picks Roy Williams? He's ripped... and plump.
3:56 - Karen is now disgusted by JT. Have no idea how it took so long.
3:57 - Learning now that Karen almost croaked giving birth. That has really uplifted the mood in the room. Friggin' rude.
4:00 - Got through 5 picks in 7 minutes. JT is so freaking HOT!
4:01 - Pizza has arrived. Donald blames Karen for dropping a methane-rich dookie without flushing. We all know she dealt it. Dog is now active and looking for hand-outs. Looks like he's had too many scraps... just like his owner.
4:06 - JT made a great pick... Thomas Jones... damn, he is fine!
4:13 - Not easy to type and eat pizza at the same time. Wife is right.
4:15 - Who the hell is Lawrence Welker?
4:22 - I have to pee.
4:25 - Just started the 5th round. There is still some Captain Morgan left for JT.
4:26 - Still haven't peed.
4:30 - Karen's ring tone is a lullaby. What the hell is wrong with her?
4:35 - Whew! Just emptied bladder. Noticed that the sink in the bathroom was dry. Do you a$holes ever wash your filthy f*cking hands?!?!
4:35 - JT is verifying that the Victoria's Secret care package sent by Kelp to Chris matched Chris's strap-on. Good question...
4:37 - Homeless guy came in looking for beer. Sad.
4:40 - 3/4 through the 5th round, but spirits are still high as alcohol gathers a firmer hold of the group.
4:43 - Alge Crumpler is picked. Somewhere, he's still taking a nap.
4:43 - Ames suffers from premature pick-ulation. He pops way too fast. Makes me feel bad about myself.
4:51 - Rupert is so slow.... I don't have a punchline... I just can't believe it. In addition, he's a plus-size fella.... need to give him some slack.
5:02 - No decent quarterbacks are left. I predict there will be nothing higher than 16-ranked QB left by the time I pick again. I am a stupid, stupid muther.
5:03 - Donald just got some potato chips. He smells of protein powder. And man batter.
5:09 - Patrick has demonstrated a unique way of shining the spotlight on the crowd. Totally unnecessary. But probably worth a look from the Fire Island recruiters.
5:26 - This is the most unfunny segment of the draft. Kelp is discussing a college trash can vomiting episode.
5:29 - Rupert is furious with me. That is very good. I've accomplished something today.
5:31 - JT announces we're moving into the "who cares rounds." All are in agreement. At least those that are still awake and/or coherent.
5:33 - Bert is showing off all his lists - explaining the complexity of his intricate selection scheme. He is a dork.
5:36 - 3/4 through the 9th round. Donnie asks everyone about Devon Hester. No one will take him now... dope.
5:52 - friggin' espn web site crashed Firefox. Great. JT qualifies to run and own a 7-11. "Try to get hit in the shoulder!"
5:57 - Rupert has a respectable dumper for such a rotund fella. He moves well between piles of stickers and the board while angrily figuring out who he wants to pick... which takes for-freaking-ever.
6:02 - We now know what "bat wings" are. Had no idea.
6:11 - Rupert forgot who he was going to pick. I was supposed to be ready to write an article about it and he forgot. What a smacked ass. He picked Lorenzo Booker. How do you spell "loser"???
6:15 - I can't believe we've been here for over 3 hours. Dear gawd, have mercy.
6:16 - JT LOVES blahhhhhhhhhhhhh-gging!!!!
6:26 - Start of the 13th round.... time to put down the lists and stop tracking picks. It's demoralizing.
6:34 - 13th rounds ends with the selection of Ray Rice. Yeah. I wouldn't know Ray Rice if I were dangling out of his ass.
6:46 - Somebody picked Dominic Rhodes. Why the f*ck are we still here?!?!?!
6:58 - We're finally friggin done. Four hours of overwhelming agony - finished. All that's left to do now is JT. DAMN, he is smoking fresh!
